Domestic Violence and Abuse Touches the Craft
Blessings,
Rowan
Breaking My Silence – This is My Own Story
by Rev. Alicia Lyon FolberthFor legal reasons, let me state that the following is my own opinion. I am speaking for myself, as a woman, and as a victim; not as a representative of the temple or its membership.
This may very well be the most difficult letter I ever have to write, and it has taken me over a week to write it. It’s not going to be an easy letter for the reader emotionally either since I am going to tell the truth frankly, and to the best of my ability, and in a personal way. It may very well be too graphic for some as a result, and its contents are serious in nature. To the best of my knowledge, the local community as a whole has not witnessed anything of this severity, and it will come as a shock to many.
Although this letter is long, I ask that you read it from beginning to end so you can understand the full magnitude of what has transpired. You may need to print it out or read it aloud because of its length, and words seem to be understood differently on a computer screen as opposed to a printed page or when voiced.
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Let me start by telling you that I am a victim of marital violence and abuse.
Like most victims, it has taken me time to truly be able to speak about it, but I must break my silence. I need to do it for myself; my own healing would not truly begin until I had written and published this letter on the internet. I must do it for others who also need to break their silence. I must lead by example. I must do it to protect others in our community; it is my duty, my sacred obligation. I must break the cycle of violence. I must take away the power of my abuser over myself, my temple, other victims, and all other women by breaking my silence. I need to clear my own name – no one else can do it for me. I have nothing to be ashamed of or to hide.
Although I am a victim, I will not ask for your pity. I have far too much pride and dignity. What I will ask for is your understanding, so that you may be open to learning from my experience. This knowledge may save someone you love. If you are abused, reading this might help you to get out of the relationship and avoid becoming another statistic – another life lost.
Let me educate you, as I have spent the past six months educating myself about mental disorders and their relationship to violence, domestic violence and abuse, and rape. It has become my therapy, since I so desperately needed to understand what happened to me, and how I found myself in such a dreadful and frightening situation. I’m a smart woman, but I found myself in the same terrible position so many others have. I also found the courage to begin speaking with the local domestic violence agency and the rape crisis center, and am starting counseling for same. I have spoken to them about my need to break my silence as well.
You should know that predators/abusers maintain their power by relying on the silence of their victims. They rely on fear that they have instilled in their victims of the potential for greater violence. Often seeking power and prestige as charismatic individuals, they set their victims up so that no one will believe their abuse is real. This is how predators/abusers continue to perpetuate their control and their crimes.
There are few crimes greater than the crime of rape, and of violence against women in the eyes of the Goddess; it is an abomination in our religion. It is a corruption of the most sacred act of love – and at its core it is about an abuse of power. Rape is not about the desire or need for sex, but about using sex as a weapon of degradation, domination, control, and power over another person. It is about causing unspeakable harm on another’s psyche. Rape constitutes the ultimate expression of a rapist’s anger and his victim is an object for his rage. Rape is also an obsession and addiction; a fantasy for the rapist. They do not stop at one rape, but will rape again and again until ‘stopped’ – or in other words, put in jail where they can no longer harm anyone.
Domestic violence, abuse and rape are connected. Abuse can become violence, and rape is an act of violence. All are about anger, power, and control. A perpetrator does not commit one single type of abuse. Becoming a victim of abuse, violence and rape, can happen to anyone from any background, race, age, education level or sexual preference. It can happen to you or the members of your family. Anyone at all can become a victim. Anyone can be caught off guard, and violence almost never happens in the beginning of a relationship. It often happens when the perpetrator believes they have you where they want you – under their control. I know this is true because it happened to me.
I have also learned firsthand about victim invalidation; how others choose not to believe the victim, and choose to believe the abuser instead. Abusers are the most remarkable liars, manipulating others through lies, and I am sure those lies become very well practiced and rehearsed over time. Abusers often purposely mislead others into thinking that they are the abused, that the relationship was mutually abusive, and/or that the victim is crazy and may have other issues – such as the victim is the one with the substance abuse problem rather than the abuser. They can appear very calm, meanwhile, their victim is upset, emotionally shaken by the abuse. Often, the abusers project the methods of their own abuse and other issues onto the abused. Any attempt by the victim to defend themselves will be viewed by the abuser as an attack, and the abuser will justify his abuse to himself and others – the victim made him do it, or that it was in self defense.
Although I did attempt to try and take the high road, truly, this is no longer an option in light of how serious this matter is. There is no high road in this situation, and I am not sure there ever was. It has nothing to do with “he said she said.” It has nothing to do with getting into a public display of private arguments; however, in order to explain the abuse I suffered, I must tell you the situation in detail.
I am soft-spoken person, but I have a warrior’s heart. I serve the Great Queen Goddess, known to me this lifetime as Rhiannon. I will not dishonor neither Her, nor my ancestors, with acts of cowardice or lies. I have served this community since its beginnings in Connecticut for the past 14 years, and I have continued to lead this temple for over 12 years as its founder. My own credibility has been built over this time through words and actions, not through people or external sources. I know full well the power and weight of my words and I accept the consequences of them.
I will not compromise my integrity for anyone or for any reason. Even people who don’t like me, and who would fault me in other ways, always have known me to be honest; despite repeat attempts by dishonest and dishonorable individuals to prove me otherwise. Time always finds a way to reveal the truth, and unravels the twisted tangle of lies – and I have withstood this test of time.
All this being said, I need to state that it is my belief that my estranged husband, who I will be filing divorce papers against, is both a repeat abuser and a repeat rapist. I am not the only one who has suffered, but he has harmed other women as well. This has determined my resolve in writing this letter. I cannot, and will not, maintain my silence any longer.
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Now I need to tell you how I got here, and what happened…
I will be referring in this letter as to ‘Rapid Cabot Freeman’ by his legal name of Rusty Lee Freeman.
When I first met Rusty, he was married. I appeared on his television show at his request, and he became an acquaintance. I spoke sometimes on the phone with both he and his ex-wife, but we were not close. Within a few months I became aware that there were problems between them. Sometimes she would tell me her side of the story, sometimes he would. When their relationship turned ugly and abuse was involved, as was the court, I backed off for a while. I didn’t know what to think or who to believe. When we began speaking again, she told me much about what had happened – as did he separately. In the end, I believed his side of the story enough that I felt she was the aggressor. He portrayed her as the crazy one. I made the mistake so many others make in situations like this – I believed the abuser and not the victim. It’s a mistake that I will never make again; domestic violence between heterosexual couples is almost always initiated by the man – in 97% of these cases the male is the abuser.
I have paid dearly for not believing her, but what she told me in the end also saved me – that knowledge allowed me to escape before serious harm occurred. She had pressed charges against him for beating and raping her, and he was court ordered at that time to be on medication. One diagnosis she told me was bipolar disorder (manic depression), and the second one was something I later had to look up on the internet since I didn’t have a mental reference for it – Disassociative Identity Disorder (formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder). I didn’t see any of the signs when they were married – except for once when he called and he sounded really creepy – it didn’t sound like him at all. I didn’t speak to him for two weeks after that, and by then he seemed fine. That, in hindsight was my first true red flag, and I missed it. I believe it was the personality, at the end of our relationship, that I had come to fear that was speaking – the violent one which I came to refer to as “Mr. Hyde.” The difference is that severe – it is someone who is an entirely different person from the Rusty I knew.
What he had me thinking then was that she had cheated on him, and he lost his temper in an argument, and had pushed her. (As if any woman who was raped would go out and have sex with someone else right away!) He had me believing that she wasn’t mentally well either, that she was an abuser, and he was the abused - which I understand now turns out to be the standard story abusers tell. I understand now he was ‘projecting’ onto her – that in truth he is dangerously ill, he is the cheater, and he is a rapist. He had me believing that she had trumped up the charges to control him – I know better now. He would later admit to me the reason why the charges were dismissed; he had somehow given her the wrong court date so that she would appear the day after.
In the end, if she hadn’t verbally attacked me on the phone, after he had left her and had been dating someone else, there was a good chance I would have listened to her and never dated him. But I’m sure she was very hurt, and happened to lash out at the wrong person.
Why did I get involved with him? I’m still thinking that one through. A friend told me she felt he said the ‘right things to me at the right time.’ I think that is very close to the truth. I had been single for a long time following a previous relationship which ended badly some years ago. I so wanted to find someone who would truly love me, who would appreciate me, and could walk this spiritual path by my side. I wanted a high priest, and he seemed to fit the description, and seemed to be as devoted to the faith as I am. There is also a past life connection between us, but obviously, that connection needs to be severed this lifetime.
Even when I was fired from U.S. Surgical, it was softened by the fact there was someone by my side who told me he would take care of me. I thought I had someone I could build something with, who said he shared my dreams, and I did my best to help his come true as well. He told me that he wanted to take his show to a major network, and I said okay, let’s try to make that happen. I stood behind him and poured my energies into his show as well, acting as support in so many ways. He was helping me with my workload in the temple for the festival by making phone calls and networking. For a while, everything was working out beautifully between us. We were working as a team.
He fell all over himself trying to impress me when he was courting me, and he put me on a pedestal. I fell for it. I never had that before from a man, and he begged me to marry him. I fell in love with him, and after a rough patch in my life when he was there for me, and I finally said yes to marriage. The spiritual path I walk requires much strength from someone who chooses to walk it with me, and they had to be willing to stand beside me – true loyalty – for the relationship to work. I also had to be really sure, since marriage to me is a lifetime commitment, and it wasn’t a decision I made lightly. I was in love with him enough to ask to be joined for all lifetimes within the hand-fasting. I did, truly, love the person I then believed he was. No matter what I do, I cannot help someone with mental illness who will not first help themselves, and I must accept that he was not capable of the kind or depth of love I am capable of.
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When things started to go terribly wrong…
In hindsight, I believe Rusty went into an episode when I went away to Canada for a weekend in March ’06 before we were married. It was the weekend when I became a member of the tradition. I drove home 12 hours straight from Toronto. I was so happy after all these years to finally be able to continue with the tradition that I felt like I flew home – only to be greeted by an irate fiancé. He yelled at me for all sorts of things, saying that I thought I was better than him now, accused me that I would have to sleep with the high priest and other nonsense. This was the beginning of my experience with “religious abuse.” He would later fight me much harder about my practicing my own tradition and taking trips to Canada. He wasn’t rational, and even yelled at me because I didn’t pick a fight with someone publicly in Canada who he decided was his enemy (who he has never actually met or spoken with).
He became more emotional the closer we came to the festival/marriage date to the point where I wasn’t sure what was going on with him. He was saying one minute that he didn’t want to get married then tell me he still wanted to get married the next. I still had a festival to run, and hoped that it was a case of cold feet, and pushed onward and went through with the hand-fasting/marriage at the festival.
It didn’t end there. We were fighting for the first several months almost nonstop. There were issues such as him spending significant amounts of money from the business and our personal checking without telling me, though he had left me in charge of the checkbook. We were borderline financially, as my money from my settlement had already run out. Everything finally came to a head and I told him that we were either partners in the marriage or we weren’t going to be together. If he really wanted to be single again it was his option. He clipped up his debit card and said he wouldn’t do it again, and promised me that if he did spend money, he would left me know or give me a receipt.
It was also at this time that I had a vision that he was going to try and destroy me and my temple when he left, and I told him about it. He said he would never do that even if we got a divorce, but I looked at straight at him and told him that the vindictiveness lies with him, and not me. It’s a very strange thing, having visions, seeing things before they happen but not understanding why…
Although things did level out for some months after, he was never happy and everything was always made out to be my fault. He refused to compromise on anything, he seemed to see meeting in the middle as losing, giving up everything. He started arguments and knew how to push my buttons so that I would lose my temper, hit repeatedly “below the belt” verbally – then calm down once he saw he was in control. He began putting me down in front of students and friends, and started to push away from me the people he didn’t like – he was beginning to isolate me. He began what was supposedly “playful” hitting, including once slapping me hard on my behind just as we were beginning public ritual. I fought back so many times, and he was never sorry for his actions. Although he told me he loved me every day, it lacked sincerity, as did his actions since the thing he was best at was making me cry.
Yes, I was unhappy, and I still feel cheated. We never had a honeymoon or a honeymoon year; just a lot of sadness and pain. Friends had told me that the first year was usually the hardest, but I was reaching the end of my tether since it was obvious that he was jealous of me and just wanted to put me down due to his own self esteem issues. He felt threatened by the fact that I am far more knowledgeable about Wicca and Paganism, smart, well read, and better educated. He couldn’t stand it if I was paid more attention, shined brighter, or if I was more than he was in any regard. He no longer put me on a pedestal; he sought instead to put me down whenever possible. What he failed to see was that he had a good woman who loved him, was loyal, was happy to make him shine, and often put his needs before her own. Whatever I did was never enough or good enough in his eyes. It became painfully obvious that he didn’t respect me as his wife, his lover, his friend, a woman, or as a priestess.
Rusty told me about previous acts of violence while we were married, that both scared and troubled me. I can’t help but wonder if he was using them as a form of intimidation. He told me how as a teenager, he had disfigured a boy who attacked him by dragging his face across barbed wire repeatedly. He told me how he attacked a man and put him through the glass door of adult store, because the man had come in looking for child porn. To my mind, violence of this sort is way beyond a necessary use of force!
And then it got worse the closer I came to the festival last year. He began grabbing me and handling me roughly. Then the threats began… At first, he threatened that if I got a graphic design job again that he would walk out on me. He was given an honorary 3rd degree by Laurie Cabot, and suddenly he was demanding that he be allowed to teach/initiate this tradition both in the store (which is also serving as our temple’s home). I told him that I couldn’t have him interfering with my students and the work I was already doing – which he previously said he supported. The decision had been made two years previous that we would be Odyssean as our core tradition, and Rusty himself had even suggested it. I do feel that if he had his way, he would have made the Panthean Temple into a Cabot temple. The few short years we were together, or even marriage, didn’t entitle him to the temple or any of its resources – including people. I am not his property, nor is the temple.
I also do not agree with charging money for Craft teachings and initiations, and Rusty was asking me to compromise my integrity in this matter. In my opinion, weekend seminars that one pays for do not make someone a priest or priestess, nor do they prepare them for the work they must do – on any level. The prices for Cabot tradition, last I knew were $400 for first degree, $650 for second and $800 for third. To me it is a profanation of what should be sacred. So if he wanted to charge for classes then he could rent space elsewhere, but I wouldn’t help him with it. So he repeatedly threatened that he would sell the store out from underneath me, and that he would start a Cabot Temple in New Haven and take my students. For people who are true Craft, taking someone else’s students is an unthinkable and unethical predatory act. Asking someone to break their current oaths would make them oath-breakers, an act of severe dishonor. The term Warlock is a strong one, since it means oath breaker, literally ‘oath liar’, a traitor to one’s kin and clan. Rusty is an oath breaker in truth, as he was present at a ritual several years before when he pledged himself to the temple as a guardian of it. He did more than turn against me in breaking his hand-fasting vows, he turned against the temple itself.
You should know that the store, although in his name at the time, was entirely built with my money from my car accident settlement – I am partially disabled. I have permanent disability to my knee, hip, and spine. I also had cashed in my IRA to keep both us and the store going the previous winter when his hours were cut back – it was company wide and there was a threat of lay offs at that time. He would later receive unlimited overtime at his workplace. The total of both my settlement and my IRA was roughly $44,000. I now have nothing left for my retirement, and no savings.
At no time did I ever tell him that he couldn’t be a Cabot priest, which makes a nice story for the members of his tradition to have a reason to turn against me and support him. I offered several times while we were together that if he wanted to run a coven of his own I was fine with it – but he turned me down saying that he didn’t want to get hurt again like he did with his last coven; that he was content to let me ‘take the arrows’ as a leader and for him to be in a support position. He did take his 1st degree in Cabot tradition, which was paid for, after we were living together – he had told me it was something he had always wanted to do. He had done Cabot style rituals and small classes while he was a member under the banner of the Panthean Temple – I never tried to stop him from practicing privately or publicly. Previous to his honorary 3rd degree, he had told me he would study Odyssean tradition after he attained 3rd degree in Cabot tradition. I had hoped that he would become my high priest in truth, rather than ‘acting as.’
Privately, I was having other situations with him involving his deeper issues. One of the things his ex-wife had told me about was his problem with obsession over other women. I didn’t see it until after we were married, when I realized he had been obsessing over Jodi Cabot before we were married. Some of them were Pagan celebrities, and I didn’t worry much about those, but then he began obsessing over women in the temple as well – one of whom he was collecting pictures of on the temple’s computer. Another member at last year’s festival I later found out was hiding behind her husband the whole weekend because Rusty had started to make advances toward her.
This problem with obsession also involves the tradition and Rusty’s own teacher. It went from being a passion or love, to outright obsession, and then mania. He spoke about Laurie and the Cabot tradition almost non stop, as if he was the ‘savior’ of the tradition. He started referring to her as ‘mom.’ Everything now was no longer about ‘us.’ Only his show and ‘anything Cabot’ mattered to him. The temple and I sadly, did not. His first loyalty should have been to me as his wife. I believe now what he really saw in me was some weird twisted idea of power and status, of attaining credibility through association, and it was all to feed his ego’s insatiable appetite. That somehow he could be a ‘somebody’ by being my lover/husband and riding my coat tails. Now that someone else offered him what he saw as title, power and prestige, he didn’t have any use for me anymore. This has been the hardest pill to swallow, but I have come to accept it. I was just another obsession. He never loved me. Sociopaths never really love anyone.
The scariest part was realizing that obsession and rape are very much connected where women are concerned. As I mentioned in the beginning of this letter, rape is a fantasy for the abuser. Keep reading, and you will later understand why this is so significant.
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And then everything hit the fan…
About two weeks before the 2007 Beltaine festival, I found out that a total of $1400 was missing from our checking account, and the bank statements never arrived. Rusty said he had spent it on lunch, because “I didn’t feed him” which made no sense because he went food shopping with me and could easily pick out his own lunch. It worked out to $175 dollars a week he had spent, and we weren’t able to pay rent or bills. He didn’t seem to understand that we had to live within our means, and refused to sit down with me to pay the bills. The money was also earmarked to help repair my car (he doesn’t have one or drive) and for my own dental work since I had two bad teeth (and still do). He said that he didn’t have to tell me that he took the money out because it had been to buy lunch, despite the fact he had promised me he would tell me whenever he took out or spent money if he didn’t have a receipt.
I still don’t ‘buy’ the story that the money was spent only on lunch…unless it was a liquid lunch consisting of alcohol. He declared himself a ‘recovered’ alcoholic since he said he hadn’t had anything to drink in eights years, but in truth there are only alcoholics who are ‘recovering’ since there is no ‘cure’. Relapses can happen anytime, and for someone who was so out of control, it’s very difficult for me to believe he could control his addiction. Spending money well beyond your means can also be a symptom of bipolar disorder when they are in a manic phase. Many people with this disorder, I understand, also tend to ‘self medicate’ when they are not under treatment with a medical doctor.
It was also at this time when his rages increased in severity. The mental and emotional abuse was almost nonstop and off the charts. Almost anything at all would make him angry – it was impossible for me to avoid his rages since they seemed to come from out of nowhere. He began accusing me of cheating on him, of orgies and all sorts of bizarre things – like telling me I was arguing on purpose to make him have a heart attack to kill him so I could collect the insurance money. He told me that I had to get a job by June he was leaving me, after telling me I wasn’t allowed to work. He even accused me of spending the money that he himself spent – that it was all my fault that we were in a tough financial situation. He kept going back and forth between screaming at me that he wanted a divorce, and then, that he didn’t want one. He even screamed at me for wanting one – putting the blame on me for his own wishes.
In one of these arguments/rages, he dialed Lady Tamarra James’(my Elder, priestess, and teacher) number on the cell phone and handed it to me after he said he wanted a divorce. I told her that we needed a hand-parting, and some of the crazy things that were going on. Rusty then got on the phone and said he didn’t want a hand-parting/divorce. She suggested mediation between us at the festival, and that Rusty’s teacher should be there too. I later contacted Laurie Cabot and she agreed to the mediation.
The worst rage in May was the morning before I was to open the Beltaine festival – he screamed at me for a half an hour in the car as I drove him to work. When I pulled up to the door outside his work in the parking lot, I got out and said I had had enough. He took my car keys out of the ignition and screamed at me to get back in the car. He said was my husband and had told me I HAD to get back in the car. From his body language and the look behind his eyes I knew he was very close to losing control and beating me right there in the parking lot. I kept my cool and said, “You will either give me the keys because the car is mine, or the cops will tell you to give me the keys.” He hesitated, but gave back the keys and I drove off quickly. I left a message for Laurie Cabot that I was in trouble, that I thought he was going to beat me, and I wasn’t sure if he had started drinking again. I spoke with Marie, who was then Laurie’s second, and she really listened. She said she would speak with Laurie for me, and that we would speak more when they came down the next day for the festival.
This was my nightmare going into the festival last year. I almost cancelled it last minute. I stayed overnight at my apartment while he camped out at the festival – I was afraid to let him come home and I also had a sick little ferret to take care of. I was in rough shape, as I had been withstanding verbal attacks and getting almost no sleep for the last two weeks before, and while I was still doing final preparations for the festival. I spent a great deal of time crying or just trying to catch a little rest in the white van we had rented. I also spent a great deal of time running away from him and avoiding him until there was a time for mediation. I turned down offers to stand in circle – and I wouldn’t because he was there. I was afraid to get near him, because I wasn’t sure what he would do. I almost didn’t lead the Beltaine ritual as a result – and I was ready to collapse. I already was grieving the end of our relationship, the vision that I saw almost a year before was happening. Tamarra gave me a pep talk at the last minute, and she made me realize that I was the only one who truly knew the vision of the ritual, and that I had to lead it. I love and respect her deeply – and she helped me find my strength. She said I had to do it for the Gods if for no one else, and that caught my heart, so I got up and led the ritual. I didn’t want to be near him. When the fire was lit during ritual, he growled at me softly and said to ‘stop this,’ that he ‘wanted me.’ He then grabbed my hand very hard and we jumped over the fire. I decided it was easier to jump than to make a scene. Besides, we were already hand-fasted. I doubt that one more jump would have made a difference.
I had fallen apart in front of Laurie Cabot on that Friday night, and she assured me the situation would get resolved when she and Tamarra mediated. She ended up leaving the festival early, and there were three answers she gave to three different people as to why. She didn’t tell me herself, although I do understand that Tamarra has real experience in mediating (and she is very good) while Laurie does not (one of the reasons given), but I was in shock that Laurie would just leave after she told me she would be there. I have sent her two letters and I have not heard back, and so I have to wonder why since this is such a serious situation when it involves the greater community.
Rusty, during the mediation, and after, seemed that he wanted to change. He showed real remorse and a willingness to change for a few days after….but then it started all over again. I called Laurie Cabot – I was very upset with the situation and upset with her because she had broken her word to me about mediation at the festival. She hung up on me before I was even able to complete my first sentence. This only made me more upset, so I told her off on her machine. For some reason, some people seem to have gotten the impression I screamed and used profanity, which is not my style. My words, although angry, were carefully chosen on the machine message.
The threats began all over again about the store, about taking away students, and he began dividing the temple and my friends. He began to handle me more roughly, grabbing me when it was unwanted, and withholding any affection. He suddenly decided that all the money was his since he was providing an income, which he would control and I wasn’t allowed to touch it (financial abuse). He opened a separate bank account, which I only found out about because I open the mail. His rages came more often. In one of our last arguments when I brought up his last marriage, he said that the only thing he had done wrong was that “He didn’t shoot her in the face.” This I took as a threat. Unlike me, Rusty does know how to fire a gun, and owns several that are with his father in West Virginia.
We decided on divorce, but he had a change of heart and asked to stay, and I said yes under the conditions that he go to AA meetings, go to marriage counseling, get a full physical and to speak with the doctor about medication for his illness. He agreed, although he rattled off quite a list of medications he said he didn’t want to take (he was apparently no stranger to them). I just told him he would have to discuss all that with the doctor. I found two different men through friends for him to go to AA meetings with. I called our insurance company and attained a list of providers, and found out what our coverage was – 52 visits for each of us. I learned that one way for him to get an evaluation covered by the insurance was to take him to the emergency room. He left on June 2nd, and never made it to AA meetings, or Griffin Hospital as he agreed to on Monday, June 4th. Connecticut is one of 14 states where you can’t force someone to get treatment, even if that person is your spouse.
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My experience with sexual violence…
You may be shocked to know that the statistics for marital rape are one out of every seven married women. Yes, one in seven women are raped by their husbands at some point during their marriage. One kind of abuse leads to another.
I was borderline raped about a week before he left, towards the end of May. It’s taken me a while to really speak about this since a part of me is still in shock from it, and it is very hard to write about it. Even now I find myself struggling for words. Why do I refer to it as borderline? Because under the definition of the law, that is what it was. It was sexual assault, an act of violence, but because I was willing it would be technically difficult to prove it was rape. I went to my bed with the intent to have sex with my husband, and I believe his intent was not sex, but was to rape me. It was an act of violence, of anger, power and control. I don’t sleep around, but I have had my lovers, and this had never happened before with him or anyone else. At the beginning I had to stop him from ripping my clothes – I told him to knock it off and let me get undressed. I asked to go slow because he had me so upset with everything that had happened and I was nervous. My trust had been broken. He didn’t honor my request to go slow and we started early – and I wondered if there had been a miscommunication. He then became angry during the act itself and had me scream something three times, and I was afraid not to. Afterwards, I realized that it was to set me up – to say that I wanted it rough. A sick feeling came over me as I realized what had happened, but I was also still partially in denial. I then knew that his ex wife had not lied. That he had indeed raped her. That everything she told me, including her accusation of Rusty, was true.
If you find yourself questioning my words, please read the above paragraph again. Take yourself out of denial and understand that this is real, and a woman doesn’t make this kind of thing up. There was no mistake. I know what happened to me, and I know what his intention was.
Some people seem to think that domestic violence only involves fists, and think that it is the worst part of the abuse – and sometimes view hitting as the only part of abuse. It would be far easier to heal from this if he had punched me. At least that pain would be temporary. The mental and emotional abuse was already more than enough – he would have broken me mentally had I stayed with him. That he would rape me, his wife who loved him so much and who he said that he loved, was and still is, more than my heart can bear.
The hand parting still needs to be done, and I don’t break my oaths, but even so it is going to be a while before I have sex with anyone again. I don’t trust, and even now my male friends who would never hurt me actually make me nervous. I was spared part of the mental and emotional effects of rape, but not all. The next person in my life must be understanding and respectful of what I have gone through, and earn my trust. It’s not going to be easy, and I need time to heal.
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The last night…
Rusty left my residence on June 2nd, 2007 after taking his belongings, which followed an argument that occurred in front of others on June 1st at my store. Rusty interrupted a Reiki class I was teaching early, as he did not wait for me to pick him up from work. He went straight to the computer and found he couldn’t sign on to the internet. He demanded to know why at first, and would not accept my answer that we would speak about it later. He yelled at me in front of my students, and I disbanded the class for the evening.
I had looked on his public Myspace page earlier that day – not only were all the photos of me deleted, but he had listed himself as divorced, and that under interests he had listed sex in capitol letters first, and that he was “looking for hot goth chicks, no shirt, no shoes, no pulse, no problem.” So I had deleted his screen name on my AOL account (which I have had for years) and this had prevented him from accessing the internet though our temple computer. I was not going to enable him to continue to publicly humiliate me.
He went into a rage, and he had a look behind his eyes that terrified me. During this argument, his accusations were unspeakable lies built on very small fragments of truth, and some, like the wild accusations that I was cheating on him with friends, were completely fictional. These lies were intended to portray me as a vile, terrible person in front of my students/friends and to humiliate me into submission. I verbally fought back and tried not to show my fear. He threatened to speak about me on his television show, that he would “Tell the truth” about me (which would only be slander). He tried to portray me as the violent one. And so I brought up that his last wife has accused him of beating and raping her, pressing legal charges against him – which is a matter of legal record even though it was dismissed through falsification on his behalf. I also brought up the fact that he had a criminal record (which he had admitted to me) and I did not have one – that I was not the violent one in the relationship. I also feel that if other people had not been present, he would have attacked me.
Rusty did not return to my apartment that night, as I refused to let him come home. If I had allowed him to come home that night, I do believe he would have beaten me, and if he had started, I have reason to believe he wouldn’t have known when to stop. He already had been going into rages for no or little reason. I also knew more details by then about what had happened to his ex wife, and I realized the only reason why he may have stopped beating her in front of their house was because the police caught him in the act. No one, not those present, nor anyone else could understand my situation with “the monster” I had suddenly found myself living with. I need to point out that other people present were not looking into his eyes, but staying in the corner – I was the one who had to look into his eyes. Only I knew what I was up against.
I also made a phone call to the Derby Police department in front of Rusty, letting the officer on duty know there was a potential for violence, and that I was trying to keep Rusty from coming home. I gave Rusty cash out of my class money for a hotel room at the Day’s Inn down the road on Route 80 in New Haven, after I made a verbal reservation. It was his decision that he wished to get a divorce, to quit his job at a point when he had unlimited overtime, and leave the state. No one made him do it.
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After he left…
I spoke to him about two weeks later – for the first time since he had left. I had noticed that the Temple’s Beltaine Pre-registration and Waiver Books were missing from the store. They had been left in plain sight on the loveseat. He admitted to me that he had taken the books, saying that I didn’t need them anymore since he was “going to run a festival of his own.” These are the property of the temple, and our Beltaine festival is property of the temple. Keep in mind that these contain confidential information including not just addresses and phone numbers, but also emergency contact numbers, license plate numbers, and medical conditions. He would later admit to a board member that he had taken them because I had deleted his email address with his information in it. The books were returned by the former members of the temple that he was staying with, and Rusty has been telling the story that they were accidentally packed. Since they were at the store, and he was within walking distance of the store at a hotel the night before, he must have taken them from the store before the lock was changed that day when friends came to watch the store at noon.
He sent me several nasty emails, and it was clear that he wasn’t sorry for anything he did. I spoke with a friend who is a medical professional, and she knew much about the kind of disorders I suspected Rusty had. She was also familiar with domestic violence, and advised me that I was going to need a restraining order since there was no telling what he might do since he was in a major violent episode. I filed a restraining order that week, he was served, and the hearing was two weeks after that. He didn’t come to the hearing and it was approved.
Even though my world fell apart with him, I am very blessed that friends came to my aid. I wasn’t expecting it, and I’m grateful. My friends are the only reason why I didn’t lose everything, and why I was able to continue on any level. He had left me with a severely overdrawn bank account, bills and rent unpaid and no cash - I lived without hot water for a while. The store had been barely meeting its own bills and was not providing an income (still isn’t). Friends who had been battered and abused by their ex husbands took me right under their wing and let me cry – they understood what I was experiencing. Other friends stepped in and helped in other ways and were there for me.
I did truly, wish for Rusty to get help even if we couldn’t be together anymore. I had done the best I could. I tried to take the high road and hoped he would stop attacking me in one form or another. I also hoped that the depressive side of the bipolar cycle would come soon – but it didn’t.
He still continued to victimize me even with a restraining order in place. He trashed me via the internet, and through others on his Myspace page, and through other conversations. He’s a first class manipulator, and he believes his own lies, which makes him an excellent liar. He is exceptionally skilled in playing on the underserved sympathy of others, and in playing the victim. He made good on his threat to ‘steal students,’ although I do understand that if they left then they were never meant to be here. I found out who my real friends are and who I could trust, so in a strange way, he almost did me a favor. As months passed I still found myself privately in battle with him – as he continued to divide people to make them turn on me. I have been dealing with a one-man sabotage team.
What I didn’t expect was the outrageous fictional story he created. It’s difficult to defend yourself against things that never happened – and I was shocked to hear it. It seems to grow now every time I hear it back, and I’m stunned that anyone even believes it. No, we did not have a ‘battle’ at my apartment the night before he left, and I did not destroy my apartment. I have lived here for four years, it’s a nice apartment, and my landlord knows me. He saw it after Rusty left – messy, to be sure, but not destroyed. As I mentioned earlier in this letter, the night he went into a rage we were at the store. I did not put a shotgun to Rusty’s head at any time, nor did I ever threaten him with one. I have never heard from the police about this story either. If it was true it should have been documented, and I should have a restraining order against me, but I am the one who has a restraining order against him. No doubt he invented the story to place blame on me and away from him. For a while it worked, and some people stopped talking to me as a result.
I’ve never pulled a gun on anyone in my life – I grew up around them and was taught to have a high respect for them – that they can take a life easily and carelessly. My father was a hunter and it was drilled into me, at the age of four, that if I pointed a weapon at any living thing, it must be with the intent to kill it and eat it. I still to this day, have never fired a real gun of any kind, nor have I ever pointed one at a living being.
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But there was still more to come…
It’s always strange what you find out through others when a relationship ends. In my case it ranged from weird to downright frightening. Rusty had told me much information, but left out certain pieces or altered them. I learned more about what had happened to his ex wife and when I put all the pieces together from what I knew – it was too much. I know now that from the incident where she brought him up on charges there are photos of the bruises on her chest and thighs – including thumbprints. He has a bite mark on his back from her when she fought back – it left a scar. He also did break the restraining order she had against him – trying to kick down the door of their house – and slicked out of it. His buddies from the fire department arrived first and told him to say he was suicidal so they could take him to the hospital before the police arrived. He simply walked out of the hospital since he wasn’t required to sign himself in.
Someone who was present at my hand-fasting told me that Rusty was telling them on my wedding day that he wanted a pre-nuptial agreement because he was afraid I was after his money. He told them that he had $30,000 and that I was after it. I remember him telling me and other people just about the pre-nuptial agreement, which I blew off and told him it was unnecessary and ridiculous. If anyone needed an agreement, it was me, because he came to our relationship with nothing but his last paycheck. I had joked, “What shall we base the agreement on, your jeans?” But now, looking at it, $30,000 was roughly the amount I received after my attorney’s fee was paid for the settlement – which had gone into paying for the store and there was nothing left at that point. I have to wonder if he was trying to set me up even then.
A friend came forward and told me why she had backed off from the temple for a while. Rusty had said something to her the March weekend I was in Canada that upset her. He had told her what I believe is the real reason for his vasectomy, and it wasn’t for my benefit; the fact that I shouldn’t have children for health reasons was a convenient excuse. He had told her he had the vasectomy because “He didn’t want children; that he was afraid hurting a child the way he had been hurt by his half brother.”
Rusty, like most abusers, is a victim of childhood abuse. He spoke about this once on television, so this isn’t a secret. He was repeatedly raped by his older half brother as a young child for years. Seeing that Rusty rapes women, what he told my friend deeply troubles me. It means he has feelings that he is afraid he will act on. So I am concerned that he likes to hang around children.
I became aware in August that he was potentially using the temple’s mailing list – that he must have made copies of the information. He made phone calls to people he shouldn’t have had numbers for, and they in turn contacted me. One of our board members at this time began to receive phone calls from people looking for him, and we initially assumed he had just given out the number for some weird reason. The number is unpublished. People would call looking for him and then hang up, not saying who they were. I really could not prove at this point that he was using the list, and making a nuisance of himself isn’t a crime.
I received a phone call from a friend of the temple in October, who is a retired police officer, and she said that she too was receiving phone calls. At first, I thought he was still making himself a nuisance, but then she told me they were phone calls from collectors – and this now meant it was fraud. Her number had been listed as a home contact number. This is when I posted the warning letter on November 1st to both the Panthean Community e-list on Yahoo and on my own Myspace page.
I had also recently found out then that two of our members were still talking to him, and truly did not understand that my situation was a dangerous one. He still seemed to find out information even after they left, and left a message for a brand new board member that he was going to sue the temple and all its board members. It was creepy that he found that out so quickly when it wasn’t announced, shouldn’t have had her phone number, and he obviously was trying to scare her. He called another board member as well and threatened the same thing. I doubt he received any real legal information, because it is wrong on so many counts. He can’t sue the board members or the temple. It was another scare tactic to divide and conquer. He also said to both that he wanted me to call him and left a number. I have a ‘no contact’ restraining order against him which means that I also cannot contact him, and I have no desire to speak with him for any reason. It’s not necessary. Let him get an attorney to speak on his behalf for the divorce.
Rusty seems to also think our mailing list is his personal Yule card list, and I believe he sent a Yule card to one of my ‘safe houses’ on purpose to let them know that he knew where they lived.
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Then the silence broke…
I became aware that Rusty had hurt yet someone else. I’m absolutely certain that this story is true, and I believe them, since I am aware of many details that I cannot mention in this letter.
It was requested that I hold the information in confidence, and the last thing a victim needs is to be victimized again, so this person will not be mentioned. I also do understand the chance you take when you break your silence, and it’s something you really must be ready to do with firm resolve. Suffice to say, I knew from that point forward that he was not just an abuser, but a rapist in truth; it was clear to me that his obsessions and rapes were connected.
For me, that was when any love I still had for him died. That place in my heart became numb. I truly had married a monster, and the horror of it hit me like a ton of bricks. What I know still makes me cry. I so hate him for what he has done to other women, much more than for what has done to me. How dare he touch any woman in anger, let alone rape, and still dare to speak the name of the Goddess! How dare he call himself a priest of the Old Ones! There is a high price that must be paid for what he has done, and I have no doubt that the Gods Themselves will extract it from him. Let him own the pain he has caused others.
Later someone mentioned information about a woman Rusty had supposedly dated over the summer after he had left the state – and I had a name. So with this new knowledge, I tracked her down and called who I thought was his ‘former girlfriend’ the same day. I wanted to make sure that Rusty hadn’t hurt her too, since I was now aware he was not simply an abuser, but a predator. It turned out Rusty had been stalking her. He had met her at a friend’s party for a few hours, and they exchanged numbers, but he called her many times after that. He declared his love for her not just privately, but also publicly on the radio and on his television show. They never dated; the only true contact they ever had was at the party. He created a Myspace page for her without asking and then began to control it and who joined. He almost invited himself over for a weekend without asking, but friends warned her in time, and stayed with her that weekend to watch out for her. He even went so far as to tattoo her first and middle name on his body along with the words “property of.” He never even knew her last name. She was clearly an obsession, and that meant she was in danger. She’s grateful that I called her, and she has allowed me to share this information with you.
If you want to understand and educate yourself more about the characteristics of a rapist and the types of rape, please go to: http://danenet.wicip.org/dcccrsa/saissues/rapist.html and be sure to read the section about Power Rape. This will further define for you why any woman can be at risk, and why I know a rapist will rape again.
Men tend to not acknowledge the silent sisterhood that exists between women – and we will band together when we are threatened. We are all speaking to each other now, protecting each other as women, and as good people, as we need to. We have a common adversary who doesn’t accept ‘no’ for an answer. If there are other women out there he has hurt, or if you know of someone who he has hurt and needs support, please contact me. I’m sure there are more who haven’t broken their silence.
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Hearing for the extension of the restraining order, Dec. 31st 2007…
Rusty had been going around telling other people “that my head needed to be blown off.” It was much like what he had said to me about his ex wife, that the only thing he had done wrong in their marriage was that “he didn’t shoot her in the face,” which I had recorded in the original restraining order. It turns out unless there is a threat of violence during the last six months, the restraining order will not be continued – regardless of the history of violence or the situation. Fortunately, I had documentation of this statement, and it is the reason why my restraining order was continued.
It was obvious to me, my friends, and I am sure the judge that he wasn’t well. He was arrogant and furiously angry, and walked in to the courtroom with a tartan over his shoulder and a large rhinestone crescent pin. He felt that by throwing it in the judge’s face that he was a reverend of the Cabot Tradition of Witchcraft it would make him credible. The people who were sitting in the court room laughed at him. He was barely under control even in front of the judge, and his anger directed towards me was unmistakable.
He also brought up his fictional story of how he was abused, and how he filed under a domestic violence statute that he could receive unemployment (he quit his job voluntarily). The only thing he cares about is his reputation, and was quite mistaken that the hearing was a forum to clear his name.
He doesn’t comprehend that he solely, is responsible for his own actions, and the repercussions that are caused as a result those actions. In his world, it’s always some else’s fault or it can be rationalized.
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To the elders and members of his tradition…
Laurie Cabot has had my last letter for several weeks now, and I haven’t heard from her. I’m disappointed.
I am your proof since you seem to need it and you don’t seem to be interested in finding it. Testimony is applicable in a court of law, and I will stand by my word, should it come to an appearance in a court of law. How can you stand by and allow him to get away with all of this? You have chosen not to listen. My words have repeatedly fallen on deaf ears. I didn’t appreciate being looked at as the crazy one, and it should be apparent that I’m too high functioning to be. You have done me, and my temple, a grave injustice!
I should thank you for inspiring me to break my silence, because it was obvious I was the only one who was going to take action in this serious matter. I refuse to wait for him to hurt some else. I also don’t appreciate being told that Rusty had free speech. I hope you understand now, that I too, have free speech and a keyboard – this is still America.
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Looking for answers…
I’ve been trying to understand why this all happened to me, and at least I’ve been beginning to find some answers. In part, I believe I had to go through this so I could help others, because I understand, very intimately, another’s pain. I also have been finding ways to heal myself, and to educate myself, which I have been passing on to others in emails and bulletins. In a small way, I am winning my own personal war against domestic violence and rape. In finding my own courage, I seem to have helped others find their own as well. Several women have written me telling me that because of the information I have been posting, they gained the strength to leave their abusive relationships, and in other cases, to finally break their silence about their abuse. I had no idea before what an epidemic domestic abuse, violence, and rape is, but I do now.
When I too have had my chance to finally heal, this will be part of my mission – to gain training that I can pass on to others in our community.
I still have the challenge to rebuild my life. I’m still looking for graphic design work I can live on and am planning on move the store to a place where it will be profitable. I have to rebuild myself too because this ordeal has taken so much out of me. I have to keep my temple and my store going, and I have two more battles ahead of me – divorce and my lawsuit against U.S. Surgical.
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So now you know…
He may come after me now that everyone knows the truth. As far as I am concerned I have been physically in danger from him for quite some time, so nothing has truly changed. He isn’t rational, and so he doesn’t need a reason anyway. He can threaten all he likes, but I’m tired of being harassed and bullied. He can threaten to sue for slander – I dare him to find a court that can convict me since I am telling the truth, and for the right reasons. If he crosses the restraining order he goes to jail – he will be punished to the full extent of the law.
Let his pattern of abuse and violence in this community stop with me. This time he crossed a priestess of the Old Ones, and I will stand in his way of harming others in our community. He has crossed a strong woman, one who is willing to fight for what is right in this world. I gave my word in before the Gods 11 years ago at my ordination that I would serve this community until my time is done. Until then, I will stand firm as one of its guardians.
Let him own the pain he has inflicted on us all. His power now ends with this letter.
So mote it be.
In Their service,
Rev. Alicia Lyon Folberth/Rev. Alicia Freeman
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